I like to think of my life as just a series of awkward moments sewn together to form a cohesive story. The awkward moments range from embarrassing to just plain strange.
My favorite awkward moment this week happened at a new client consultation. The consultation was scheduled for 6:30pm on a Wednesday. I don't like leaving the house around that time, as traffic can be murderous. I put the address in my google maps on my phone and saw it would take me 29 minutes to get there. It didn't seem right, that's not in my territory, but I got ready and headed out.
The woman I work for was around 15minutes late, which is pretty normal for when I have to meet up with her. I stood against a stone wall on a busy street staring at my phone wishing someone, anyone really, would post a new update on facebook or a new photo on instagram. I hear the dog barking in the house behind me.
I get a few texts from the woman mildly panicking that it's not my area so I won't even be taking on this client. I figured that much out, but I couldn't just leave. She arrives and we head up to the house.
A young woman (can't be much older than I) with dark blonde, maybe even light brunette hair meets us. She's about my height, and appears to be fairly fit. Although you wouldn't be able to tell, she's swimming in her clothes. Her pants are hanging off from her, showing glimpses of her pink toenails and tan feet. A butterfly tattoo on her left foot, I laugh inside. Her shirt has sequins misplaced to one corner and hangs well past her waist, a cardigan thrown over it. I see the hint of a badge that must be attached to her pants. "MD" is all I can read.
Her dog, Diego, is a puggle that takes immediate interest in smelling the woman I came with. We always smell like dogs. I smile politely and mostly just stand there wanting it to be overwith. These can get awkward in themselves, and to add the fact I won't be her walker is extra awkward.
Within three minutes of being in the house, the woman starts blurting out that her dogs butt smells really bad. I'm chalking this up to the fact that she was probably incredibly insecure about it and wanted to get it out in the open, to clear the air if you will, just encase her new guests smell something. Sure, I get it.
This is where it gets awkward.
She continues to talk about how her dogs butt smells really bad and how she noticed it the other day while he was laying next to her on the couch. She came to the conclusion that it's his anal glands and shes going to get them suppressed at the vet in the following week.
She'd do it herself but not the first time, she's nervous about it.
She can't believe how bad his butt smells.
"I'm a Doctor, so I could do it myself but not the first time." She exclaims.
Ok, within 3 minutes of us being here you've already put it in our faces that you're a Doctor, I'm glad you snuck that in.
"You know, since I'm a Doctor, what I think his butt smells like is when a woman is in the stirrups and her vagina is in your face. It smells kind of yeasty, you know?"
Wait. Did you just compare your dogs anal glands to a woman's vagina?
I think you did.
I stare at her a little dumbfounded. I smile and shake my head.
I only hope I never have my vagina in her face, she'll be thinking about her dogs anal glands the whole time.
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