awkward life moments

I like to think of my life as just a series of awkward moments sewn together to form a cohesive story. The awkward moments range from embarrassing to just plain strange.

My favorite awkward moment this week happened at a new client consultation. The consultation was scheduled for 6:30pm on a Wednesday. I don't like leaving the house around that time, as traffic can be murderous. I put the address in my google maps on my phone and saw it would take me 29 minutes to get there. It didn't seem right, that's not in my territory, but I got ready and headed out.

The woman I work for was around 15minutes late, which is pretty normal for when I have to meet up with her. I stood against a stone wall on a busy street staring at my phone wishing someone, anyone really, would post a new update on facebook or a new photo on instagram. I hear the dog barking in the house behind me.

I get a few texts from the woman mildly panicking that it's not my area so I won't even be taking on this client. I figured that much out, but I couldn't just leave. She arrives and we head up to the house.

A young woman (can't be much older than I) with dark blonde, maybe even light brunette hair meets us. She's about my height, and appears to be fairly fit. Although you wouldn't be able to tell, she's swimming in her clothes. Her pants are hanging off from her, showing glimpses of her pink toenails and tan feet. A butterfly tattoo on her left foot, I laugh inside. Her shirt has sequins misplaced to one corner and hangs well past her waist, a cardigan thrown over it. I see the hint of a badge that must be attached to her pants. "MD" is all I can read.

Her dog, Diego, is a puggle that takes immediate interest in smelling the woman I came with. We always smell like dogs. I smile politely and mostly just stand there wanting it to be overwith. These can get awkward in themselves, and to add the fact I won't be her walker is extra awkward.

Within three minutes of being in the house, the woman starts blurting out that her dogs butt smells really bad. I'm chalking this up to the fact that she was probably incredibly insecure about it and wanted to get it out in the open, to clear the air if you will, just encase her new guests smell something. Sure, I get it.

This is where it gets awkward.

She continues to talk about how her dogs butt smells really bad and how she noticed it the other day while he was laying next to her on the couch. She came to the conclusion that it's his anal glands and shes going to get them suppressed at the vet in the following week.

She'd do it herself but not the first time, she's nervous about it.

She can't believe how bad his butt smells.

"I'm a Doctor, so I could do it myself but not the first time." She exclaims.

Ok, within 3 minutes of us being here you've already put it in our faces that you're a Doctor, I'm glad you snuck that in.

"You know, since I'm a Doctor, what I think his butt smells like is when a woman is in the stirrups and her vagina is in your face. It smells kind of yeasty, you know?"

Wait. Did you just compare your dogs anal glands to a woman's vagina?

I think you did.

I stare at her a little dumbfounded. I smile and shake my head.

I only hope I never have my vagina in her face, she'll be thinking about her dogs anal glands the whole time.

On being happy.

Walking around today, I started noticing the last traces of Summer fading into the background.

I walked through a park near my house. The fields once so green now have small patches of brown grass dotting them like bad spots on an apple. A public pool sits unused. The water turning green and catching leaves that have already begun to fall.

Last night the air smelt like Halloween and clean laundry. Memories flooded my senses and filled me with content. This time of year makes me yearn for change; change and self improvement.

I never really aspired to be some high title holding professional in my life. A doctor? No thanks. A lawyer? Zzzzz. The only thing I ever wanted to be in life was happy. I wanted to strive to be happy, doing what it is in life that makes me feel most like myself. I never wanted to adhere to anothers rules or guidelines to the way I should be living. The problem with that? As an individual my views, feelings, and general tastes in life are ever evolving and ever changing. It's not easy standing on your own two feet. You come up against constant criticism, and input from others. Input that isn't always the nicest, people can be down right mean at times.

I'm a firm believer that most of the time, others don't want to see you happy. Their jealousy and envy comes out in the form of a big ole monster that gnaws away at them. Making them unable to even be the slightest bit happy for you.

From the time I was in high school I can remember the way everyone said life should play out. You graduate from high school and get into a good college. If it's not a good college you won't get very far in life. A tech school? Forget about it! That's just for lowly individuals that can't keep their grades up. There was even a bulletin board right across from the main office when I was in high school where they put down what every single senior was doing after high school. What college they were going to, and even if they weren't going to college. It was humiliating. Once you get into a good college, work hard and graduate. Do a lot of extracurricular activities to make sure you look good on paper. Graduate, meet someone nice, get married and land a good job. Pop out a bunch of kids and don't worry about that degree.

That's just about how life was supposed to play out according to adults. Newsflash. Life so very rarely plays out like that. It has taken me years to realize that everyone's life heads in the direction best suited for that individual. Or, sadly, some people stay on the path others have chosen for them and end up just being miserable all their lives.

That's not me. It's so very far from me, I want to run screaming away from even typing it out. I've quit relationships, I've quit jobs, I've even quit entire states that were making me miserable. Some times it was a short term solution, others more of a long term solution, but they all had the same goal in mind. Be Happy!

I'm finally at a place in my life where I can assess everything around me, and even reassess myself, so I know which direction I should be heading in. That's my goal for this year. Get my mini-goals in order and start focusing on the big picture. I'm happy. Now I want to start bringing other things into my life to make that happiness 20x better.

Did I ever think this was where I'd be at 26 when I was 15? Of course not! Would I change a single thing that's gotten me to this point? Absolutely not. I don't live with regrets, I use each moment as a lesson to learn and grow from. I wouldn't be me if it was any other way.

Housework, I hate it

I found a cardio bootcamp workout dvd hidden among my collection of 80's horror movies and David Lynch films.

I thought "Hrm, maybe it's a sign, lets do this!"

With my black workout leggings still on from work, I cleared the coffee table away to make room for my movements. I don't have a yoga mat, but who needs that when you have an area rug right?

I put the dvd in the playstation, because who needs a dvd player when you have that, right?

I push play all, and get it started.

Less than 30 minutes later I lose my tank top and throw it to the side. The sweat is beading and running off me. My forehead is soaked, saturating my bangs that I slick back with my hand inbetween jump backs.

My sports bra catching all that it can.

We hit a slow point. Catch your breathe and lay your forehead on the mat, childs pose.

I lay my head on the area rug that I think is just as good as a mat.

I sit up, with a now furry forehead. I wipe away the dog hair that has now plastered itself to my face.

Ok, dvd's moving again. Have to keep up, keep it going.

Planks. Downward dog. Squats. Jumpback, GO!

I grab my tank top to wipe off the sweat and dog hair I've missed. One swoop, and my face is coated in another layer of dog hair mixed with sweat. Damn it.

I look down to my black leggings that are now turning gray. My skins developed a layer of white hair, should come in handy during the winter months.

I end the dvd early.

I knew I should have vacuumed before I started my workout.

A letter to my 15 year old self

Dear Fifteen Year Old Me,

It’s been 11 years since I’ve seen you. If we were to meet face to face, eyes to eyes, would you recognize me? Would you know it was you by the hurt buried deep inside me?

There are so many things I want to say to you. Fears I want to stamp out, and confidence I want to instill in you. Advice I want to plant inside of you, to grow from a seed into a tree more solid than any foundation you could create on your own. Holding you up and keeping you ever moving towards the sky.

Anyone you are putting your efforts and time into, stop. The man you’ve been seeing will continue to bring you heartache and more pain than you should have to bear. Heartache is what’s going to shape you into the person you become, me. He will feed you lies until the only thing you can feel is the cold numbing sensation as if your limbs were always asleep, trying to wake up from a dream. You will save yourself hours of crying, and feeling worthless if you end things now, before they get to toxic. While you are at it, pick up that phone and call the authorities.

Don’t worry about those that can’t muster up a kind word toward you, or make you feel inferior. It’s just High School, and that’s how others feeling the same way you do act out. In 10 years, oh wait, 5 years most of them will have gained 50lbs and had 3 children.

You are beautiful. Look inward for the strength you need to get through the obstacles that will come toward you in this life. Realize your self worth before you knock your self-esteem so low you’ll look for attention in those that aren’t worth yours.

Snatch up the opportunity for every adventure that lays itself at your feet, but do not sell yourself short. For oh what adventures you will have! Look at every turn as a chance to explore, learn, and grow into who you are and who you will become.

Never stop being strong, independent, and fearless. There are people in this world that will try to take that away from you. With their words, their actions, they’ll try to strip all that makes you stand tall, and stand out away. Don’t put away those fishnets for anyone.

Paint, draw and sketch until your fingers bleed. Don’t be afraid of mistakes, or what others will say. You have a creative storm inside you, don’t you dare try to calm it when the waters get rough.

Read your heart out. And when your heart is out, swallow it and read some more.

I know it’s hard. Every day you feel the hole inside your chest growing, and you can’t find answers to who you are or what you want to do with what’s ahead of you. You may never lose that unsure feeling, but love yourself and trust in what you know to be real.

When no one else will give you the support you need, remember this seed inside of you, grow towards the sky. Ever upwards.

Much love,

Your 26 year old self

Another one down

It's getting colder out these past couple of days. We slowly stepped in to September. Dusting off all traces of August and with it pulled a shroud of Autumn over our shoulders without even feeling it's weight. 

It rained all of Tuesday. I didn't notice until I was lacing up my shoes and knew it just wouldn't work for today. I put on different pants. Tighter ones, more form fitting and less likely to get soaked from walking through puddles. I put on a pair of socks and pulled my boots on, knowing in an hour I'd be sweating from it being too muggy.

I had Monday unexpectedly off. Aside from a few pet sitting visits, which were all over with by 9am, I hadn't put much thought into my day. What do you do when all of a sudden your possibilities are open?

I'll tell you what I did.

I made myself eggs for breakfast. Wrote in my blog. Edited a few photos. And continued to be a complete space cadet. After the first couple of hours I realized I had no intention of doing anything spectacular. I then proceeded to eat cheese and crackers the rest of the day.

Once Kris got home from work I made a small attempt at dinner. And by small, I mean we had salads.

It's always quiet here when she's not home. I wander back and forth from the kitchen to the living room staring blankly, wondering what I should be doing next.

Some days I nap.

Some days I paint.

Some days I watch movies.

Some days I cook.

Today, I napped.