When you turn on the shower in my apartment, even when the knob is turned all the way to steaming hot, it takes a while for the water to warm up. I often step in to my shower stall, with my head hanging I let the freezing cold water hit the back of my head. It forces (what little) hair I have to hang towards the ground. Slowly it starts to warm up, just before my neck gets numb from the cold.
I stand there, shivering, watching the water spill over the tile as goosebumps raise on my skin.
I do a lot of thinking in these brief moments. When I keep the bathroom light off the fan won't turn on like a jet engine taking off, I enjoy the silence. Some days from the moment I wake up I'm bombarded with sounds. I just want to turn them off and sit in silence until my head starts making sense.
Let me be honest here. I have another blog floating around the never ending labyrinth of the internet. I started it almost a year ago thinking it would be a great outlet to begin writing again. Very slowly it became something that neither reflected who I am, nor was the outlet I was looking to create. I shied away from being myself. From talking about things that matter to me, or even just saying "fuck."
But fuck it.
I can't stop grinding my teeth. I clench my jaw, wiggling my back molars together until I feel a sensation travel down my jaw. It's not so much a feeling of pain, but more like pressure. Pressure from two points forcibly meeting. I'm waiting for the moment my teeth snap. My fillings pop out and what teeth I have crumble in to tiny pieces.
At least I'm not having the dreams where my teeth fall out. Yet.
Every day I feel as if I'm in a constant state of waiting. A hiatus. Nothing around me is real and everything is moving with the fluidity of being underwater. I'm waiting for that all defining "Ah-ha!" moment where I look in front of me and realize which direction I want to take. How I'm feeling. What I want to do. Today, tomorrow, or for the rest of this eternity I have in my hand. Who am I?
Maybe a little silence is all I need.
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