when they're gone

I woke up this morning with a voice that's just louder than a whisper, after a night of screaming in my dreams. I was looking for Sophia, she was just beyond my grasp and no matter how much I yelled for her, she looked the other way. I went to bed with thoughts of loss and can only attribute this to the email I received prior to bed time.

Over the summer we had a small miniature pinscher stay with us several times. One of which was a rather long stint, just shy of 2 weeks. We grew attached to the little guy, which is often the case with me and animals. He was a tiny ball of goof. On many occasions he wasn't quite sure of how to pee, throwing his leg up in the air in some strange  yoga pose and would just start peeing. Hitting his front legs, and even my dogs head in the process. When he laid down he looked like a frog, and needed to be cuddled before bed. His owners moved back to LA after the Summer came to a close.

I checked my email before bed to find an email with the title of his name and a sad face. Instantly I knew. I knew what waited for me and I still read it. He passed away during a teeth cleaning procedure. Cardiac arrest. He originally had been put under to have a cyst removed and all went fine with it, but during the teeth cleaning he died. Just like that. His owner went on to talk about how still and quiet his eyes were. He always had large wet eyes that saw everything. I’m not sure how much of what he saw he understood, but he saw it.

Days earlier I had seen an old picture of him I had taken during one of his stays. I remember his meat-head tiny football player body and how he’d throw himself around. I knew after his move I’d never see him again, but I took solace knowing he’d be on the other side of the country peeing on himself and snuggling up in all the blankets he could find.

Now he’s gone. His owner said she can barely look at his things anymore, thinking he’s going to come rushing after a toy or pop out from under a blanket. My heart breaks for her. I’m holding my little ones extra close today. Death is a natural cycle in life, but it doesn’t change the pain we feel until it numbs over.

RIP little man.